I recently reread an old article by an a fellow financial writer which he equates paying taxes to a big, steaming pile of cow feces.

The piece was written in response to a statement I had made, calling taxes an unfortunate, unenjoyable, but necessary evil.

I will admit it’s been a few years since I’ve had to sift through the witty intricacies of a poop joke, so it was a little difficult to get to the crux of this argument.

After shoveling all the dung to the side, I reached Seigel’s conclusion: Privatize everything.

My response: Reality Check.

Let’s start out with the simple fact that, at least for now, taxes exist.

Second fact: we are required as United States citizens to pay those taxes.

I seriously doubt that anyone has ever shown affection for paying taxes (I certainly don’t) but they are an unfortunate part of the social contract to which we comply.

At this point, opinions diverge. Are taxes really a “necessary evil,” or a politically supported version of theft?

Well, if you believe that the government takes your money and provides you nothing in return, then of course, that’s the most fundamental definition of theft.

However, if you walked, rode a bike, or drove on a paved road to get to work today, you might want to think again.

If you took a shower with running water, think again.

If you enjoy protection from international terrorist groups… think again.

Taxes are a civic duty — a burden we bear as citizens of this country in exchange for basic human goods and services: education, safety, emergency response, transportation, water.

 We can accept the burden like the (alleged) adults we are. We can pay taxes and reap the communal benefits, such as services from people in red trucks who come to extinguish the fiery blazes consuming our homes.

Or, we can emigrate to somewhere like the United Arab Emirates, where taxes are basically non-existent, but income inequality is obscene.

Like other citizens of the UAE who don’t control a massive corporation, we can then become cogs in the slave-wage labor force, and suffer malnutrition and other human rights abuses at the hands of our gigantic, profit-driven overlords.

Rhetoric vs. Reality:

I don’t believe there are many people who would argue that the United States’ tax system is perfect. In fact, it’s far from it. (6 out of 10 Americans believe the system is flawed).

For the most part, projects are slow and inefficient, and funds are repeatedly misallocated. As just one example, I have always been sadly disappointed with the Department of Veteran’s Affairs, and the lack of benefits this country provides for those individuals who served to protect it.

I’m also disappointed that less than 1% of our tax money goes towards science-related research and technology programs. Only 2% of the tax fund goes towards protecting this planet, while almost 25% is allocated towards our failure of a health care system.

So yes, it becomes very clear that the reality behind taxes very rarely aligns with the rhetoric.

Taxes aren’t great, on that point we can all agree.

But the alternative? I would say it’s worse.

Water by Comcast:

I am about to tell you a story that is 100% true. Odds are, you’ll probably be able to relate to the sentiment.

I went to happy hour earlier this week with a friend of mine. After we shared stories about our stressful days and combative co-workers, the topic of our cable and Internet provider somehow came into the conversation.

We were both complaining about the shoddy service, slow Internet, ridiculously high cost, and what I can easily say is the absolute worst customer service experience I have ever had to endure.

(The most recent technician who came to my home drilled a three-inch-wide hole into our 150-year-old original hardwood floors, without asking permission to drill, period. Needless to say, I blew a gasket.)

I’m no conspiracy theorist, but I can say with confidence that this company is out to destroy everyone’s faith in humanity.

Anyway, in the middle of our conversation, we were approached by a complete stranger who overheard our chat and shared our feelings about this particular cable provider.

This stranger showed no hesitation or censorship in expressing his complete disgust with this company. Moments later, our group expanded again to include a younger couple and another man who was doing his crossword puzzle at the bar.

Everyone had stories of their beyond-terrible experiences. In just a few minutes we had the entire bar involved in a borderline flash mob. I knew I was annoyed with this company, but these people took it to another level. They began chanting profanities and regaling tales of being ripped off by wrong charges, missing Game of Thrones because the cable went out, or losing Internet connection in the middle of a crucial deadline.

This was years of pent-up frustration being released. Had we all been consuming more alcohol it legitimately would have evolved into a rebellion to take down the entire cable provider system.

You probably don’t need the most keen sense of intuition to realize that I’m talking about Comcast (NASDAQ: CMCSA) here. Just reading this may make your blood boil as you relive your own personal Comcast traumas.

So help me God if anyone tells me to “unplug my router and wait three minutes” again.

I just did a Google search for, “I hate Comcast.”

I got 1,030,000 results.

A search for “Comcast is terrible” produced 5,210,000 results.

When I looked for “the worst company in America,” pretty much every result mentioned Comcast. (There were over 6 million.)

Comcast actually beats Wal-Mart (NYSE: WMT) at being the worst.

Congratulations, Comcast.

So, if we all dislike our cable provider so much, why are we still paying for the services?

Maybe you’re in a contract, and since Comcast requires your first-born child in order to cancel, you’re stuck.

Or like me, you might have no other option. Comcast has a monopoly on my zip code, so my access to the Internet and media is controlled by an evil corporate monolith. (I would argue that Internet should be considered a utility, but that’s for another day.)

Let’s say that hypothetically, this country decided to privatize even just one of our basic human rights.

Do we really want profit-driven corporations like Comcast or Walmart to be in charge of our water? Roads? Police? Medicine?!  

Capitalism has its qualities, but there are just some services that cannot and should not be tied to profit-making. (We all remember what Martin Shkreli did to pharmaceuticals.)

And while we’re on the point of rational and realistic thinking, I should clarify one more thing:

“I love Taxes.” -No one, Ever. Not even a Liberal.